remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
