I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
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