I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
