So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
