first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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