saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
