dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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