I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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