wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
