He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
