she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
