Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
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