if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
