Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
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You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
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We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
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