Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Randomize
