Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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