I want to make a zoo with you.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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