I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
