Ambien. No doubt about it.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
