I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's official drugs can't kill me
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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