can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
