Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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