I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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