Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
