Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
