So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Randomize
