She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
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