Banned from zoo.
Again?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
