Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Randomize
