He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
