I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
