Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
