I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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