Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
These tits shall not be calmed
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
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