Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
