The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
