I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
