Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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