Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
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