guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
