did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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