so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
