can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
