i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
