you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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