Can i not drive my cunt home
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
