You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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