dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
