dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
