My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
