Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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