Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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