There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
