My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
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