Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
