this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
