So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
