Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
