Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
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