Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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