I bet he comes in French.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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