I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
